


More Important

by Karlethandra_Merthensa



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, I don't know how to tag this, Moderately graphic, Multi, Not A Happy Ending, Really sad honestly, just tears, no death though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 05:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10892964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karlethandra_Merthensa/pseuds/Karlethandra_Merthensa
Summary: There's always something more important than another thing, but it depends on who you are.  Some say sleep is more important than video games.  Some say video games are more important than homework.  Some say work is more important than sleep.But...  What about everything being more important than eating?  Finishing that last paragraph was more important than eating.  Working on your aim when it is so perfect you could split an arrow flying at you is more important than eating.  Living with your pain, stress, and guilt is more important than eating.





	More Important

**Author's Note:**

> I WANt TO WARN YOU NOW: This was written based off of experiences that I have had friends tell me themselves about their fights with anorexia. It will not be accurate to all, it is just my interpretation of their experiences by in a form that fits with the character I've subjected to the illness in the story.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

Stress and food.  Those two things sound very different, but in reality are closely related in the right situations.  In this case, it’s the inability to eat food when you’re stressed.  Common enough, right?  When you’re stressed you have the possibility of losing your appetite, or to forget to eat in general.  

But, what if your stressed twenty-four-seven?  What if you have had someone breathing down your neck so much and so often that even when they’re not there you feel it?  What if your looking around for eyes on you when you're completely alone because you're one hundred percent expecting that one snide comment about your form?  

The stress becomes too much.  You begin to skip meals to instead focus on your studies.  You begin to worry more about sitting up straight than the gnawing pain in your gut.  When you do eat, you find yourself only being able to eat so much before you feel as though you’re about to throw up and so you find sneaky little ways of being excused from the table without finishing your meal, or you give it to your brother and say you don’t feel good.

You begin to wear your clothes a bit looser than before so no one notices that you’re waist is smaller than it was two weeks ago,  You are forced to sneak an apple into your room at night because if you don’t eat something you know you’re going to pass out, and you don’t want them to find you like that so you find the smallest thing you can that you can work and eat at the same time.

When you get special assignments, you hide the fact that moving around so much makes your vision swim, and instead you learn how to aim with your eyes rolling in their sockets.  When you’re asked to sit for hours in a boring business meeting, you learn how to hide the fact that your stomach is growling behind the voices of those around you, and you learn to mask the pain of it behind a stoic face. 

But when you make your first mistake, that’s when you start to use it as a punishment.  You don’t allow yourself that apple, because who deserves to ease the pain when they messed up?  You don’t allow yourself to even attend dinner, because that would be too tempting.  No, just smell the food and hear the chatter.  You’ve got more important things to focus on.

When you’re out on your own, the stress melded into guilt at what you’ve done, the need to eat becomes only the slightly want to survive.  You most times push away the thought of food, thinking perhaps starving to death would be a proper death to make up for what you’ve done, but you always end up finally eating something and you want to throw up with guilt because ‘ _ that could have been the time to end it all right, and you fucked it up like you fuck up everything’ _ .

Years pass, and your body still holds refined muscles, and you can still draw back your weapon with ease, but it tires you more than you would ever let someone else know.  After a job, you're tired to the core, and fall into bed only to immediately pass out, but then wake up merely hours later to end up dry heaving into the toilet because  _ there’s nothing in you to throw up _ .

But that’s just how Hanzo Shimada lived.  Day in, day out.  Eat an apple here, drink a glass of water there, work on your archery during.  Never stop practicing.

When Genji reappeared and revealed he was still alive, Hanzo barricaded himself in his appartment, arms locked over his midsection as he fought the gnawing pain and the nausea.  Both forms of hunger and guilt.

When Genji came back once more, almost half a year later and asked him to join him at Overwatch, Hanzo had at first refused.  He couldn’t go.  It would mess everything up.  The safe little place he’d built for himself where he could punish himself as needed would go away.

But guilt won out, and it only took a few more asks from Genji, all a few months apart, for him to finally give in and moved to Watchpoint: Gibraltar.  The first day was rough, everyone just staring at him and he felt his stomach gnaw at him once more, his mind screaming  _ ‘They know what you did!  They’re judging you!  They think you’re a monster!’ _

A few weeks passed and he slowly became acquainted with those around.  Satya quickly became a friend, their need for perfection drawing the closer.  Hana came next.  Her bubbly nature would have normally pushed Hanzo away, but she grabbed onto his arm and held him tight when he tried the first time and he just relented.  She was a good friend, and tried to do all she could to make him laugh, though he had yet to do so.

McCree came third.  When Hanzo first came to the Watchpoint, he was aboslutely sure that the cowboy hated him.  This was quickly proven false on the second day when McCree stuck to his side like glue, showing him around the base and having him join them all for their meals.  He didn’t eat anything himself, and just gave them the excuse of  _ ‘Stress ruins my appetite, I’ll eat, do not worry.  Just… Not right now, if that is alright.’ _  And everyone instantly said it was fine…

All except McCree and Genji.  Genji liked to corner him after each meal asking him if he felt alright, or if he wanted an apple.

McCree gave side comments that matched the situation.  At one point Hanzo and McCree had been sparring when Hanzo had been tripped by the cowboy.  Said man caught him in his fall and pulled him back up, but frowned and said ‘ _ Damn, I must be gettin’ stronger cause yer light as a feather.’ _

Hanzo just brushed both off them off with weak excuses that they accepted.

He thought it was fine.  He didn’t see a problem with what he was doing. ‘ _ Everyone punishes themselves in someway. _ ’ he reasoned one night as he lay on his bed with the world swimming around him,  _ ‘This is just my way.’ _

It wasn’t ever a problem on missions.  The only time it almost was was when he got caught off guard and hit hard in the stomach by some thug.  It was enough to force Hanzo to his knees, knocking the breath out of him, but he was quickly aided by Phara who pulled him to his feet, clapped a hand on his shoulders and took off again with a simple ‘ _ Hit you pretty hard, didn’t he. _ ’

It wasn’t ever a problem.

Until it was.

It wasn’t on a mission.  It wasn’t with everyone else.  He was alone, in his room, reading a book when his head began to swim.  The archer just sighed softly, setting down his book and moved to sit on the edge of his bed, head tucked low to his knees as he breathed evenly, but that wasn’t working.  With a grunt he sat up, his vision swimming so bad he could feel the bile in the back of his throat.  He ran through the last week in his head.  They’d had a particularly nasty mission that took up about the entire week, and they had just returned yesterday.  Had he eaten?  He couldn’t remember.  He thought back further, the bile rising higher as he swallowed hard, his breath now coming out in sharp pants, his hands gripping the side of his bed so tightly his knuckles cracked.  He couldn’t remember eating anything since tuesday, almost two weeks ago.  It’s saturday now.

He became acutely aware just how much his stomach  _ hurt _ .

_ ‘Idiot! _ ’ he hissed at himself as he squeezed his eyes shut  _ ‘Only you could actually forget to eat!  Go so long doing it purposefully now you’re actually starting to forget you need it to survive?  Baka!’ _

“Agent Shimada?” A soft accented female voice sounded in his ears and he flinched, his eyes opening as the world continued to swim.

“Athena.” He said, but it was more of a pant.  He couldn’t breathe.  The pain in his stomach…

“Are you alright?” The worry in the AI’s voice was clear, and Hanzo had to bite back a sharp laugh.  Why would she be worried?  He’d survive.  He always did.

“I’m fine.” He replied, carefully standing from his bed.  He started for his dresser, which had a bowl of fruit on top when he stopped half way, a hand over his mouth.

“Hanzo?” Athena asked again.

“I’m…”

“ _ Hanzo!” _

He fell to his knees, then his hands.  It didn’t take long for him to fall to the side, his eyes fluttering as they struggled to stay open.  He could hear a muffled voice, but at the same time it was loud?  God, his head hurt…  His eyes barely made out the outline of his door, and he flinched as it burst open and two people ran into the room.  They stopped for a moment, before Hanzo blinked and they were gone.  Were they a figment of his imagination?

When hands landed on his shoulders, he knew it wasn’t.  Two people were in here with him, but who?  Why were they here?  He was fine.  It would pass.

His vision grew darker, and he couldn’t see through the pain that clouded his mind.  Did his head hurt, or did his stomach?  Did his throat hurt too?  He couldn’t tell anymore.  He could hear more muffled voices, and three pairs of hands now.  Something bright shined in his eyes, and he flinched hard.

Soon after, all became dark.

 

***

  
  


“ _ Agents, it seems that Agent Shimada could use some medical assistance.  His blood sugar levels have dropped drastically and suddenly, and he seems to be experiencing some major nausea and breathing issues.” _

Angela frowned as she stood from her seat, “Well, that’s strange.  Ask him if he can meet me in the Med-bay-”

_ “There is no time, he needs immediate medical assistance.  He hasn’t the strength to stand!”  _ The AI’s voice was very worried now, almost panicking.

Angela began for the door at a fast pace, but Genji and Jesse beat her there, and out within seconds.

Jesse McCree felt his heart hammering in his chest as his feet pounded against the concrete pathway.  He should have know.  He should have known.   _ He should have known _ .  Genji was right beside him, and together they burst through the door of Hanzo’s room, only to stop short as they saw the archer laying on his side on the floor, his face blank as his eyes slowly blinked at nothing.  

“ _ Oniisan! _ ” Genji yelled, disappearing from Jesse’s side only to reappear at Hanzo’s.  Jesse wasn’t far behind, and they rolled Hanzo onto his back, but it was like he couldn’t see them even though his eyes landed on him. “O-Oniisan!  Oniisan, look at me!” Genji said, trying to keep his voice steady but it broke and wavered.  Was it from fear?  Desperation?  Jesse couldn’t say.  Only moments later they were joined by Angela, who pushed Jesse out of the way as she pulled a small flashlight from her side.  She shined it into his eyes, and he didn’t even flinch.

“We need to get him to the Med-Bay.  Reinhart!” She yelled.  Within seconds the large German man was there, scooping the much smaller elder 

Shimada in his arms and hurrying from the room with Angela right behind him, continuing to check on him as they went.  Genji and Jesse stayed behind, both barely breathing from shock.

“Athena…” Jesse said slowly, “Go through the cam feed…  Figure out when the last time Hanzo ate was.” Genji stared at Jesse in confusion, but the man’s hat hid his face as he looked to the ground.

Athena replied softly within seconds, “The latest moment I have of him eating something was half a bowl of ramen, a few days before the mission.”

Genji stiffened, “How…  How much has he eaten since he got here?”

“From shifting through the feed, it seems he has limited himself to an occasional fruit, water, and the bowl of ramen was a first time occurrence since the six months he’s been here.  He has also eaten the occasional protein bar.”

The two men stayed in silence, both staring at the bowl of apples on Hanzo’s dresser top, “Tell Angela.” Genji said softly.

“Already informed.  She is getting an IV into him now.  Genji…  How long do you think this has been going on?”  
“I…” The younger Shimada paused, taking in a shaking breath as he leaned himself against the wall, “I think since our childhood.”

Jesse froze, “What?” he asked, breathlessly.

“I…  I remember when we were younger, around Hanzo’s tenth birthday he suddenly just stopped coming to meals.  When he did come, he never finished or he gave the rest to me.  Around his thirteenth birthday, he stopped coming altogether.  I just thought he was eating at some other time, because Father never questioned it, or told him to attend meals.”

Silence once more ensued, before Athena spoke, “Dr. Ziegler says that Hanzo weighs barely one hundred and three pounds.”

Genji cried out in shock, “How didn’t we notice!?”

Jesse shook his head, “I-I thought ‘that’s just how he looks!’ ya’ know?  I thought he just had higher cheekbones than most, or that his rigorous trainings made him look that tired.  Thinking back on it now…  I can remember seeing the sharp outline of his ribs when he draws back his bow…  Why didn’t I ever comment on it…  He was so light…”

***

Three days later, and both men sat at Hanzo’s bedside, the elder man’s sunken cheeks and pale skin a painful reminder of why he was in here.  

“He’ll be okay.” Angela said softly, watching the men. 

“How?” Genji replied in a mutter.

“Because he has us.  He obviously still wants to live if he was eating in general, he found some reason to keep going.  We just need to give him new ones, to reinforce it.” She stated.

“You say it like it will be a walk in the part.” Jesse grunted, “It’s going to be absolute hell for him.”

Angela sighed, “You’re right.  It is.  That’s why we as a team need to be there for him.  His stomach is almost three times smaller than it should be.  He’s done the impossible by fooling a doctor, or maybe I was just too damn blinded by trying to not judge him and make him close up that I instead ignored the signs.  I don’t care.  What I care about it making sure that he get’s passed it.  It will be rockier than Mount Everest, but he  _ will be okay _ .”

Neither man said anything, and with a sigh Angela left them to their thoughts.

“ _ You will be okay, Oniisan.”  _ Genji thought, watching his brother’s chest rise and fall softly,  _ “I don’t care if I have to hand feed you.  You will be okay.” _

_ “If you don’t make it out of this Shimada,” Jesse thought, his eyes full of pain, “Then I will bring your ass back from the dead and make you try over and over until it’s done right.  You’re not quitting on us…  Not after everything.” _

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno. Was this good? I don't personally struggle with anorexia though I have caught myself thinking about purposefully skipping a meal because 'Oh, I have to do this I can always eat later' and I never eat at all because I always deemed something 'more important' at that moment. It's not a constantly occurrence, it's just something I noticed myself doing rarely, and when I asked a friend of mine who has battled with Anorexia she told me she's purposefully told herself those things to 'get over' her need to eat.
> 
> Anyways, I honestly hope you enjoyed the story, and if you did thank you so much for reading! If not, I'm sorry :(


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